Category Archives: $#!T& and Giggles

laughter, the best medicine

Pets: The original Decepticons

I’d like to talk about pets— love them, but I can’t trust them.  I can’t prove anything YET but they’re smarter than they seem.  I really can’t trust nothing or no one that if every time I come home, they’re right there at the door with “I didn’t do anything!” on their face.  Man’s best friend, sure dogs are that.  However, did he piss on your laundry, eat your boots, and shit on the living room floor just to say he “missed” you-probably.

And then there are cats, sit around all day napping and acting all docile.   Soon as you go to sleep, they lay with you until they’re sure you’re sleeping… Next thing you know, they be ALL in the rest of the house getting it in: jumping and skittering around like fucking maniacs.  As soon as you come in, they sit there like the damn “hello, my baby frog” ribbit looking asses!

 THEN most insultingly

I have the laziest fucking birds I’ve ever seen in my life where I live… Over the years I’ve had various groups and families of birds live on my property, we’ll just call them “yard birds” for now and they do nothing.  Cinderella‘s birds must’ve been were hard workers, early to rise and late to bed. I think mine are free loaders and bums.  When Cinderella gets out the shower, her birds are waiting with towels; they brush her teeth; and do her hair- not mine.  She never has to worry about what she’s going to wear because her birds [the nightingales] stay up all night making royal wedding balls gowns and sh*t with expensive jewels and pearls. Whistling and singing songs all happy… not my lazy ass birds. They just chill all day and a few times they gather nuts and berries to make nectar runs.  Cinderella goes down to the breakfast table and they’ve made her a gourmet meal- pumpkin seed bread, bacon, freshly squeezed oj from their beaks.  My birds ain’t never made me nothing, and then they leave sunflower seed shells all in my yard and driveway lowering my property value, getting me fined by H.O.A

I’m sorry ya’ll, I’m just feeling a bit emotional because every since I was a child my birds have just sh*tted on me.  I’d tried to play with them- I’d run to the swing set and they’d flock off.  In running errands, when I’d return to the car- they’d hop off when I walked up.  Then they’d start laughing and call me “Carl, Caaaarl” which is a bird insult, chirping their friends about me- everything’s a big joke!

It’s not like they’re good birds, i.e. doves… I mean they’re always somewhere flocking around and some of them are very “promiscuous” (can you say love to cluck and lay eggs?!).  Keeping up trouble, up fighting and yelling at 3 in the morning- it’ll be like 5 in one tree still going at it.   And still I attempted to befriend my yard birds.  I tried my best by them, I built them homes and even put up an outdoor pool for them.  I mean even now they’re eating the squash.  I noticed some holes in the tomatoes…

f*cking ingrates

But whatever, if they don’t want to accept me, running off when I approach like I stink, like I’m the visitor…. I just wanted to be fly.  Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day.  I just wanted to share my testimonial with you so that you’d know you don’t have to let your yard birds make you feel like you’re a bad provider.

I know Cinderella had nice birds, but don’t allow that to affect your self-esteem or feel unworthy because yours don’t make you outfits, cook, sing you lullabies, etc.  I’m starting a birdwatchers’ self-esteem anonymous class for those who suffer with Rudeass, Lazy Yardbirds contact me for sign up.

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DreamCatcher

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American Idle

I was watching American Idol tonight, wondering how Scotty and Stefano were still there.  I’m stuck between karaoke and a one trick pony.  As Scotty wrapped up, I asked my friend if he’d just throw some dirt on me since I’d been waiting to die during the whole performance.  Unfortunately, he declined though I stated he could put a few daisies on top so loved ones could find me to pay their respects.   After a few ok performances, I’d almost changed my mind regarding my demise, but then Stefano walked on stage… this led to five minutes of emphatic  begging for him to not crush the flowers when he placed the tombstone on my grave.  

  

I really miss Simon, because the current judges are full of shit.  They’re like an Oprah giveaway episode and everyone that performs “was a concert and You were a concert and we were at your concert and you get a car!”  I disagree.  I’ve had the same two people picked out for my bottom two and magically week after week they’re still there, like a recurring nightmare.   Ahhhh!  I shouldn’t be surprised because they didn’t name it “Country Strong” for nothing— a country advocate  is a die-hard fan.  Scotty McCreery will leave when the bible leaves the belt, ha- yeah right!  Mr. Langone is a reflection of the new pop nation.  America likes chipmunks and cookie cutter, his nasal tones solidify his place in this stand still.  He’ll go on to make millions, be a heart-throb, and make love to auto tune.

And me…. I’m just sitting here muse sick.

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Alo[i]ne: 1)single-handed

Often when I misspell a word because the typopotamus runs across the keyboard, I decide each word looks french…

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Expressions of Solitude

She Said: LEAVE ME ALONE WORLD!!!

I Replied: Get out of my cocoon

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A Rock & A Hard Place

I needed the laughter provided in this interview, and most of it was true.

But damn Jamie at the end of the day I’m a fan of your comedy, seen all of your movies, but I’ve never owned any of your cds…  Terrence may be a little crazy, but the man is music in raw form- no additives, auto tune, or heavy production.  That’s a beautiful thing and consequently, I’d f*ck him lol!  Just Sayin’

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, “did ya see that?” No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came, would I be standing here???

– Unknown

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