Monthly Archives: May 2011

Pets: The original Decepticons

I’d like to talk about pets— love them, but I can’t trust them.  I can’t prove anything YET but they’re smarter than they seem.  I really can’t trust nothing or no one that if every time I come home, they’re right there at the door with “I didn’t do anything!” on their face.  Man’s best friend, sure dogs are that.  However, did he piss on your laundry, eat your boots, and shit on the living room floor just to say he “missed” you-probably.

And then there are cats, sit around all day napping and acting all docile.   Soon as you go to sleep, they lay with you until they’re sure you’re sleeping… Next thing you know, they be ALL in the rest of the house getting it in: jumping and skittering around like fucking maniacs.  As soon as you come in, they sit there like the damn “hello, my baby frog” ribbit looking asses!

 THEN most insultingly

I have the laziest fucking birds I’ve ever seen in my life where I live… Over the years I’ve had various groups and families of birds live on my property, we’ll just call them “yard birds” for now and they do nothing.  Cinderella‘s birds must’ve been were hard workers, early to rise and late to bed. I think mine are free loaders and bums.  When Cinderella gets out the shower, her birds are waiting with towels; they brush her teeth; and do her hair- not mine.  She never has to worry about what she’s going to wear because her birds [the nightingales] stay up all night making royal wedding balls gowns and sh*t with expensive jewels and pearls. Whistling and singing songs all happy… not my lazy ass birds. They just chill all day and a few times they gather nuts and berries to make nectar runs.  Cinderella goes down to the breakfast table and they’ve made her a gourmet meal- pumpkin seed bread, bacon, freshly squeezed oj from their beaks.  My birds ain’t never made me nothing, and then they leave sunflower seed shells all in my yard and driveway lowering my property value, getting me fined by H.O.A

I’m sorry ya’ll, I’m just feeling a bit emotional because every since I was a child my birds have just sh*tted on me.  I’d tried to play with them- I’d run to the swing set and they’d flock off.  In running errands, when I’d return to the car- they’d hop off when I walked up.  Then they’d start laughing and call me “Carl, Caaaarl” which is a bird insult, chirping their friends about me- everything’s a big joke!

It’s not like they’re good birds, i.e. doves… I mean they’re always somewhere flocking around and some of them are very “promiscuous” (can you say love to cluck and lay eggs?!).  Keeping up trouble, up fighting and yelling at 3 in the morning- it’ll be like 5 in one tree still going at it.   And still I attempted to befriend my yard birds.  I tried my best by them, I built them homes and even put up an outdoor pool for them.  I mean even now they’re eating the squash.  I noticed some holes in the tomatoes…

f*cking ingrates

But whatever, if they don’t want to accept me, running off when I approach like I stink, like I’m the visitor…. I just wanted to be fly.  Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day.  I just wanted to share my testimonial with you so that you’d know you don’t have to let your yard birds make you feel like you’re a bad provider.

I know Cinderella had nice birds, but don’t allow that to affect your self-esteem or feel unworthy because yours don’t make you outfits, cook, sing you lullabies, etc.  I’m starting a birdwatchers’ self-esteem anonymous class for those who suffer with Rudeass, Lazy Yardbirds contact me for sign up.

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